The Embarrassment at the Oscars

I have so many thoughts on what transpired, and while you have to be careful of what you say on social media, I felt my blog was the perfect place to get out my feelings. Many have put different spins on what the altercation was about between Will Smith and Chris Rock. Many have used the opportunity to shed light on Jada’s struggle with alopecia in defense of Will’s horrific actions. Others point to the fact that the Smiths are tired of being made fun of in the media. But it seems the vast majority (in the black community) feel like Will was protecting his wife from bullying and disrespect. That’s all well and good but…

None of this was about Jada’s alopecia or protecting her honor.

I’m sure in Will’s warped mind he felt he was coming to his wife’s defense. If that were so, what was with the tears afterward when Denzel, Tyler Perry and Bradley Cooper came o talk to him during the commercial break? Regret? Anger? Realizing that he messed up? I just heard that Will said he doesn’t regret what he did – coming to his wife’s defense. So he’s going to stick with that excuse, huh? Mmm-Kay. Something is very wrong with Will, y’all. He is not emotionally well.

Let’s talk about the joke. Chris Rock’s joke in itself was in reference to Demi Moore’s character in the movie G.I. Jane who rocked a shaved head. G.I. Jane was a strong, resilient woman and soldier. There is nothing negative that could be said about this character. If anything, it speaks to the strength of women and women empowerment. There are so many women who rock shaved heads for various reasons – style preference, health and otherwise. But the point that seems to be (purposely) missed or overlooked is it was a joke. It was not malicious or even delivered in a malicious way. Chris Rock did what he’s done a zillion times to many A-list actors and actresses when he hosted or presented at an awards show – he cracks jokes on them. It’s expected, it comes with the territory. Are hurtful, disrespectful jokes acceptable? No. Never. But when they’ve happened, they were dealt with behind the scenes between the parties involved.

*Ding Ding Ding*

Most of the world knew nothing about Jada’s alopecia struggles because she kept it to herself (which is her right) up until recently when she spoke about it on her Red Table Talk show. If you don’t follow her or the Smith’s you wouldn’t know this. So how was Chris Rock supposed to know? People think because they are celebrities they know everything about each other’s business. I’m sure that’s true to a certain extent. But there are some celebrities who keep to themselves and worry about themselves and not other people’s personal affairs. This is why I say the embarrassment that is Will Smith and his violent actions toward Chris Rock had nothing to do with alopecia or protecting Jada’s honor. It was an opportunity used by Will to unleash his frustrations about his own personal demons (his life in the public eye and at home), on someone that was basically an easy target. Yes, Chris made jokes about Jada in 2016. But Chris made jokes about a lot of people before and after 2016 that were much more scathing, so what made the Oscars the breaking point for Will?

Many point to Jada’s obvious facial disapproval of the joke. She didn’t like it. What we didn’t see was what transpired between her and Will when the cameras left her reaction and went back to Chris Rock. We don’t know if her and Will had a conversation, if Will simply saw his wife’s disgusted look and acted on his own or if Jada tried to stop him (she probably didn’t know what he was about to do). We’re left to guess and assume, and as a result, many are putting the blame on Jada because they feel she knew her reaction would trigger something in Will. When you’ve been married for a long time, you know your spouse’s looks, mannerisms, and body language very well. Jada may not have spoken her disapproval, but her face and body language showed it and Will reacted. Stupidly and emotionally.

Let’s talk about the deep thinkers. The self-proclaimed psychiatrists that you often find on social media who are experts on black trauma. They are saying that Will Smith’s actions were taught and learned through slavery at the hands of white people. Black people/black men have been conditioned to suppress their feelings, to take on and accept heinous abuse and treatment from our oppressors which only taught us violence. So basically, Will Smith’s behavior is white people’s fault.

Does slavery still have an effect on black people today? Yes! Should we be using slavery as an excuse for our current bad behavior? Absolutely not! At some point, we as a people must stop using past abuses and atrocities as an excuse for current bad behavior. We all have free will, we all have been taught right from wrong. When we do wrong, it is a personal choice that we make in the here and now. Will Smith knew what he was doing. He thought about it, made his choice and then acted on it. Are we going to teach our kids that bad behavior is acceptable because of how our ancestors were treated? How does that even make sense?

What should be discussed is how we need to do a better job of teaching our kids how to manage their emotions. We need to encourage our black men and women to seek mental help so they too can learn better ways to manage their emotions. And we need to make mental help available to all even if you don’t have money or insurance to pay for it. I know there are programs out there already, but the average person doesn’t know that these programs even exist in their local communities. This needs to change.

Will needs to come to terms with his emotional baggage and continue to address it and deal with it. He spoke about it at length in his book (not being able to protect his mother from his father’s abuse when he was a child, feeling insecure about Jada’s relationship with 2 Pac, Jada’s cheating, etc.), and while that is admirable, he clearly has a long way to go. To behave in the way he did, so unhinged and uncontrolled, speaks to deeper issues. His actions should not be celebrated. This was not an admirable act of a man protecting his wife from perceived disrespectful words that came from a comedian. His actions were despicable and a cry for help. His actions cast a dark cloud for everyone that night. Instead of speaking about all the winners and celebrating them, the past 48 hours have been focused on one black man pimp slapping another black man in front of millions of people.

As a black woman I’m saddened, disgusted and disappointed for all of us. It was a night for brown and black excellence to shine, for the deaf community and other marginalized communities to be recognized and celebrated. It was a night of firsts, and the actions of one person, a polarizing person in his own right, ruined it all. To cap off the embarrassment, he ends the night partying with his family and dancing the night away in celebration. That was not a good look. I also don’t like the fact that certain family members approved of Will’s behavior and expressed it on social media. They put out the message of family unity, and honestly I don’t know if it was before or after the slap. I expected his entire family to be there to support him of course. I expected them to celebrate his win. But they also gave off the vibe that they supported his slapping Chris Rock and that didn’t sit right with me. I can only imagine what their next Red Table Talk episodes will be about: Standing up to bullying, protecting black women, and using violence to do so. None of those are bad topics or conversations to have, but when speaking about your loved one, are the Smith’s going to call out the bad behavior of Will or defend it? This will be interesting to see/hear.

Now the looming questions are will the Oscars punish Will, and if so how severe will it be? But more importantly, how is Chris Rock doing? I’ve been thinking about his girls in particular and how they feel seeing their dad humiliated in front of millions of people and the endless memes being made as a result. I think about his siblings, everyone in his family who are no doubt pissed at Will Smith for how he disrespected their loved one on national tv. Tony Rock recently tweeted that he’s angry and wants to retaliate. I get it. That’s a natural reaction when someone you love is hurt.

There was a lot to unpack here, and I tried to touch on the main points. These are just my personal thoughts that I wanted to get out. I hope Will gets the help he needs, that the punishment handed down by the Oscars fit the crime, and that Chris Rock is ok. From what I’m hearing, Chris’ ticket sales to his comedy tour are through the roof! Cha-Ching! Chris Rock’s silence can only mean one thing: He’s saving it all for the stage and it’s going to be RAW. This is not the end of this story, y’all. Chris’ weapon is his microphone and his voice. He will get the last laugh.

My Mission Is The Same

My natural hair journey has truly been a journey. From my big chop to growing out my hair, breakage and protective styling, my hair and I have been through the ringer. Locking my hair is the second best hair decision I’ve made, the first one being going natural. My hair has never been this long that I can remember. It is relatively healthy (I’ve dyed it twice two years apart), and I don’t do tight styles. Since being locked I’ve only lost one loc, and it was a tiny one along my edges. I think that is awesome!

My blog has transitioned to everything locs since I got locs, but I want to make sure that my mission of promoting natural hair, natural hair education and natural hair health is at the forefront of everything I do. Having locs has further shown me how much natural hair education needs to happen among black women and women of color. There are a lot of women who are getting locs but know nothing about their natural hair. There are many women who have natural hair or locs but hide it under wigs and protective styles. When I see this, three issues come to mind:

1. Lack of education
2. Lack of confidence
3. Lack of support from family, friends, and workplace

Lack of Education

Since slavery, we’ve been conditioned by white slave owners and white people in general to believe our hair is ugly, unkempt, unruly, nappy, etc. We’ve carried those lies from one generation to the next, believing that the beautiful hair that grows out of our scalp naturally is somehow inferior to white or European hair. In the 1800’s we figured out ways to straighten our hair with hot combs and curling irons, and soon after that chemical lye or conk. Things that do more damage and harm to our hair and scalp than good. But that’s how desperate black women and men were to fit into a white society that refused to accept us as human beings, let alone our natural hair. Here we are 400+ years later and we still have an inferiority complex when it comes to our natural hair. You could find very few people who were pro natural hair until the late 1960’s and early 1970’s, but there was not enough education about our natural hair.

Today, there still isn’t enough education out there regarding black natural hair, and if there is, many don’t know that it’s there. The natural hair movement resulted in a lot of women deciding to go natural , which is great. However, many were simply following a trend but not knowing what it all entailed. For one, you have to learn what your natural hair pattern or type is. There’s debate on hair typing, and if you’re not familiar with it, it’s a grading system from 1a – 4c. Some feel they are divisive, not accurate or simply unnecessary. I feel it’s an important first step to help you understand your hair and then moving on to how best to care for your hair type.

Many have the misconception that if you use a certain product, your hair, no matter it’s type, will miraculously curl up perfectly and bounce, and that is the epitome of false advertisement. At the height of the natural hair movement, haircare companies were looking to cash in on it, and many have and continue to do so. But it’s at the expense of black women who were uneducated about natural hair. What these companies weren’t advertising was that their products only work on certain types of hair. If you are of biracial heritage, and biracial models are mostly who were used in these advertisements for these products, you were more likely to see great results. But if you were black with coarse hair and tight coils, you did not get those same results.

This in turn created product junkies, curly hair chasers, and a lot of disappointment. Many became so disappointed that they went back to chemical relaxers because they felt natural hair wasn’t for them, it was too hard, too time consuming, etc. How sad! Natural hair is work, and it takes time. It’s like any new relationship – you have to cultivate it, get to know the other person, their likes and dislikes and do things to preserve it. That requires time and effort, and not many are willing to give either when it comes to their natural hair. When you don’t put in the time or effort then you are guaranteed to be disappointed.

But how can one know what to do without resources or education? I was very proactive once I went natural. I spent countless hours on the internet looking up everything related to natural hair – how to care for it, what to use and not use. I particularly zoned in on natural and organic remedies like oils and butters because I wanted to stay away from store bought products as much as possible. I knew there were a lot of harmful chemicals being used in those products, even if they claimed to be made with natural or organic ingredients. Sadly, not many are willing to do their own research. You can’t be that way when it comes to learning about your hair and what products to use or not use.

Lack of Confidence

When you lack confidence when it comes to your natural hair, there are several things at play. Lack of preparation is one of them. When you haven’t put the work or research into your natural hair, you’ll feel like you don’t know what you’re doing and it takes away from your confidence. Figuring out your hair type is essential. It’s one of the most important first steps you must take. Then you have to learn what products work for you and what don’t. More often than not, you’ll have to use a combination of things to help your hair. This is where reading the ingredients on the labels of these products come into play. Some products dry out your hair more than others, and when this happens its usually because there is several forms of alcohol being used.

Confidence also comes from within. No one can be on your natural hair journey but you which is why you can’t let the opinions of others deter you from doing what is best for you and your hair. You have to be strong minded and thick skinned to endure the rude comments and crazy looks.

Lack of Support From Family, Friends and Workplace

Most are afraid of the unknown. When you decide to do something that is unpopular amongst the masses or in your family, negative talk will ensue. Most family members are well-meaning and think they are giving helpful advice, but it’s not helpful and their “advice”. Their advice is coming from a place of fear and lack of understanding and education. This is all very much the case when it comes to natural hair. It’s been ingrained in black people for centuries that our natural kinky, coily hair is ugly and unkempt – a brainwashing idea that is rooted in European standards of beauty. If your hair isn’t chemically relaxed or straightened then you don’t look acceptable or polished. You aren’t presentable or professional. You and your mother, your aunts and grandma are all lazy for not keeping your hair straight.

The judgment and name calling is endless, and the saddest part is when it comes from your own family members or members of the black community. It’s a vicious cycle rooted in racism that is now rooted in our own race. This is where centuries of brainwashing must be erased, and this can only be done with education. We must educate ourselves to change our mindset of how we view our own natural beauty, our crown – our natural hair.

We need to speak and teach hair positivity into our little girls and boys. Stop using the word “nappy” in a negative way, or in a way to put someone’s kinky, coily hair down. Stop using the term “good hair”. Again, this is a term used as a weapon that is rooted in racism dating back to slavery times to cause division between the biracial (light skinned with mixed hair, typically looser curl patterns) and the black slaves with the kinkier hair. Today, the term “good hair” is still being used as a weapon by black people to put down those with kinkier hair and prop up or elevate those with looser hair textures.

This must start from birth.

Our children need to know that their natural hair, no matter how loose or tightly coiled their hair may be, is BEAUTIFUL. It is up to us as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins and friends to do this. We must surround our black children with hair positivity, love, and acceptance. We must speak these things into them so that when they go to school and they hear negative things said about their hair from other children or adults, it won’t affect them as much because they’ve had their confidence built up at home and they’ve been educated on how beautiful and unique their hair is.

We have such a long way to go, and none of these things are going to happen over night. But I hope through this blog, someone will read this and be inspired to make changes and take control of their hair health. Also, realize how important it is that we teach our children and grandchildren from birth how beautiful their natural hair is and that there is nothing wrong with it. I have no regrets regarding my natural hair journey other than I wish I had gone natural sooner, and I wish I had gotten locs sooner. Being natural and having locs have taught me that black hair can grow long, it can thrive and it is indeed beautiful in its natural state. Our hair is professional, it is presentable and it is not ugly. If only I could get more black women and men to realize this!

Update on my Last Retwist Appointment

My previous post was about my frustrations with the lack of professionalism shown by the newest loctician I’m currently seeing. My daughter’s appointment was at 9am and mine was at 4pm, but it got pushed up to 3:30. When I got there, there was very little small talk and I did not initiate any conversation. What I was curious to see was if she would offer any type of an apology or explanation for the abrupt cancelation of my appointment the week before.

She offered nothing.

To give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she was nervous, perhaps she was embarrassed. Or maybe she simply didn’t care about canceling on me. I went back and forth about bringing it up but decided not to say anything. I simply closed my eyes and let her commence on my hair that I purposely washed myself to cut off the time I’d have to spend in the shop. (A shop full of people not wearing masks. My daughter and I were the only people who wore a mask, and maybe two other people who walked inside during various times. And they all looked at us like WE were the crazy ones!) Once again she did a fabulous job on me and my daughter’s hair. She suggested to me that my daughter should come every four weeks because her locs are still in the baby stage and need regular care. I told her that’s fine.

What I found to be funny/telling is when I got home I received two emails asking me to rate my experience with the services she provided. One email was for me and the other was for my daughter. I cackled. The irony was just too much! I ignored the email for a while and then circled back to it. I started to leave a very honest review that included the cancellation of my appointment the week before. I typed it out two or three times and deleted it each time. Even though I’m unhappy with how she conducts business and how she treated me, I’m not confident in how soon I’ll be able to find a replacement. I hate feeling stuck, but that’s exactly where I am right now. Then I go back and forth with do I, as someone who is older and old enough to be this young lady’s mother, try to explain to her how her unprofessionalism not only affects others but will affect her business too?

Case in point: While I was pondering leaving an honest review, I noticed that her review rating has dropped to 3.5. When I clicked to read the reviews I couldn’t open them, so she clearly is hiding her bad reviews. After my first visit with her I gave her a glowing review. Now that her ratings have dropped, she thinks she can get another glowing review out of me while ignoring how she treated me the week prior. This young lady is quite delusional and clearly isn’t used to owning up to her mistakes. When you work in the service industry, acknowledging your mistakes is immensely important. Especially when you’re trying to establish a clientele or if you want new clients to keep coming back.

I have my own business, and if I make a mistake with a customer or if there’s a misunderstanding, I acknowledge it and I take steps to make it right by apologizing and offering some kind of accommodation whether if it’s a discount, free delivery – something. I want my established customers to keep coming to me and I want my new customers to keep coming back as well. She offered me no discount, she didn’t show any flexibility to accommodate me in any way. All red flags for anyone conducting business. Not only did the loctician send out the review request the same day after our appointments, but she sent another request the next day! Yup, she’s desperate. I deleted all of them. For some reason young people think they can take advantage of the older folks but will go out of their way for their peers or those their age when it’s their peers who always flake on them. It’s their peers who don’t tip. She’s young and dumb at the moment and I can only hope that she learns how to conduct business in a professional manner, but I see she’ll have to learn the hard way.

For the time being I will continue to go to her…until I find someone else better.