Am I Part of The Natural Hair Community?

To me, natural will forever mean the following:

Not using harmful chemicals such as relaxers, texturizers, or anything that alters the state of your natural hair. This also includes products that contain harmful ingredients that can further harm our hair or scalp – be it gels, hair dye, etc. It means to love your natural hair the way it grows out of your scalp and no longer subscribing to the European, colonized, brainwashed, plantation ideals of what is acceptable natural African American or black hair.

To my very core, this is what being natural means to me. I was watching a Youtuber that I follow some weeks back discussing the toxicity of the natural hair community and why she no longer considers herself part of this group. All of her reasons were valid and I was “amen-ing” everything she was saying because she spoke on how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.

So much has changed in the natural hair community, and to me the chasm of dissension and lack of education has gotten wider. Bad and misleading information is accepted under the guise of “to each their own” and “who are we to judge”. I don’t feel like we’re doing our job if we don’t point out and speak on bad hair behaviors and bad hair health and educate others on healthier hair habits. Yes, what people do with and to their hair is their business, but when we’re trying to promote natural hair, natural hair positivity and all the benefits of being natural, we have to be careful of what we put out there.

Case in point: I’ve shared on my blog how I used Blue Magic Hair Grease and water for my twist outs when I was a loose natural. Should Blue Magic be used regularly and heavily? Absolutely not! I was making the point that sometimes old staples are better than the endless products that are on shelves now that don’t work and are harmful to our hair. Now let’s be clear – Blue Magic is made with petroleum which is not good for your scalp. If you use Blue Magic on your loose natural hair you have to be sure to wash your hair regularly with a clarifying shampoo and do a deep condition afterward to replace moisture.

If you’re one who likes to color your hair, share how you care for your color treated hair. Don’t just post photos of your constant color changes. Are you doing regular deep conditions? Are you keeping your hair moisturized? If so, how? A lot of social media influencers are not sharing these things, and their followers copy what they do and then cry foul when their hair is damaged. I see it all the time. We all know color is bad for our hair, especially when it’s not used correctly, and then we wonder why we’re going bald. I have nothing against hair color, but I’m tired of the madness I keep seeing in the natural hair community.

We should be promoting the healthiest ways to care for our natural hair. We’ve been led to believe by companies that we need an excessive amount of products to “tame” our natural hair when that simply isn’t true. These same companies have us striving for things that our natural hair can’t do on it’s own just so our hair can be viewed as pretty or acceptable. Our natural kinks and coils should be enough, but they’re not. Because of this, we have hair discrimination amongst ourselves – 4C versus 3A, mixed hair versus coarse hair, curly hair versus kinky. We also have Tia Mowry out here telling black women that her mixed hair is black hair. Ma’am! Come again? Her ad campaign on her IG account is so horribly tone deaf it’s embarrassing! But you get my point. And let’s not forget those who are leaving natural hair and promoting relaxers, or those who have natural hair or locs but are relaxing their edges.

This is not the community I want to be part of. No matter what natural hair or loc group I join on Facebook, I find so many people who do not know what it means to be natural but are aggressively trying to redefine what being natural is. Yes, being natural means different things to different people, but when so many are uneducated about natural hair and promoting bad hair habits, what are we doing? Where are we going with this once, bold, empowering, “movement” for black women? Maybe the natural hair movement morphed into this space of “it’s whatever you call it” and I missed the memo? I’m holding on tight to the core of what being a natural haired black woman or girl means, and I’m going to make sure my daughters stay educated and informed as to what it means to be natural and practice healthy hair habits.

I can’t help feeling like a small fish in the ocean. I know I’m not the only one who is questioning the state of the natural hair community and have concerns about where it stands today. So much needs to change, and it starts with changing our mindset with the help of education. We have to start from somewhere.

It’s Time For A Reckoning In The Natural Hair Community

Over 10 years ago, the natural hair movement was blowing up the scene. It was a quiet storm that quickly picked up steam and became a huge thing. So huge that product manufacturers took notice and figured out ways to capitalize on the goldmine. The natural hair movement also proved to be profitable for the small mom and pop stores or street vendors who made their own natural hair products out of their kitchens like shea butter for your skin and hair, organic hair oil mixes, all natural shampoos and conditioners, hair masks and gels. Back then, the goal was for black women to leave the relaxers and chemicals alone and have healthier hair using all natural products. These all natural products were not readily available in stores, so we relied on the small vendors and businesses to get these things. We learned how to use them and make them through early how-to Youtube videos.

We also learned about protective styling (Myth 1.) which entails the use of braids, wigs, or weaves. We were told protective styling would protect our natural hair from over manipulation and help grow our hair. This works for some, but for many not so much. As manufacturers figured out how to get a piece of the natural hair movement pie, they developed products (Myth 2.) catered to black women using images of biracial or racially ambiguous women in their advertisements. They promised that if you use their line of products your hair will curl up and bounce the same way as the biracial woman with 3C hair does. Of course, that was nothing but a big fat lie. In the midst of all of this, wig culture grew tremendously as did the hair braiding shops. Everybody found a way to make money off the natural hair movement and have been winning ever since. But there’s been one consistent loser: Black women.

For centuries, black women have been told that their natural hair is ugly, unkempt, and unprofessional. We were forced to either cover up our hair or bend to European standards of beauty by straightening our hair. This brainwashing has stayed within our culture ever since, being passed down from one generation to the next. We invented straightening combs, came up with a dangerous formula called Conk that later became the standard relaxer to straighten our natural hair in order to be “accepted” by whites.

In the 60’s and 70’s when black pride took over, many black women embraced their natural hair and wore their afros and corn rows proudly. And then the relaxers came back and the Jheri Curl craze took over and chemically altering our hair became the norm again. Fast forward a few decades and black women finally realize the natural beauty of their hair. With the help of doctors and science, they see the damaging effects of chemical relaxers and decide to go back to their natural roots. Instead of being supported, they are fleeced.

If there’s one thing black women will do, it is invest in our hair. Companies know this and they’ve found ways to profit off of it by selling us products that do not help our hair. But we can’t just blame companies and manufacturers. We must blame ourselves for being greedy as well. Protective styling is a myth. It’s game. It’s a way to make money. The idea that we have to give our hair a break is a joke. How do you give your hair a break when you manipulate and put stress on your hair and your scalp by braiding, weaving or crocheting cheap synthetic or human hair into your natural hair? Not to mention the harmful chemicals used in synthetic braiding hair and wigs that causes sometimes severe allergic reactions in a lot of women. Nine times out of ten people are braiding or weaving this hair incorrectly and way too tight which causes traction alopecia or hair loss. There are women who swear protective styling grows their hair or has helped them retain hair length, and this may be true for some. But what does protective styling do for a woman that has issues with wearing her natural hair out?

Nothing.

Once it’s time to take the protective style down, most women will either get it done over again as soon as possible, usually too soon, or they will put a wig on. Do you know how many women are claiming to be natural but never show their natural hair because it’s tucked away under wigs or they keep going to the braid shops getting knotless braids? The wig industry is booming. You can go on Youtube and learn how to make your own wig. You can buy wigs online or at any hair supply store in black neighborhoods that are owned and run by Asians. (And the Asians have a choke hold on hair weave and black hair supplies. But that’s another story for a different day.) My point is, black women are being sold lies from all angles. Lies about the need to protective style, lies about the need to buy a whole line of products that won’t work for our kinky, coily hair. At one time I believed those lies. I kept protective styling, and my hair and scalp continued to suffer. I changed the type of hair I used, I changed who I allowed to do my hair and at the end of the day, after a lot of damage was done to my hair, I finally woke up and realized that protective styles were the problem.

I stopped wearing protective styles and rocked my natural afro until I decided to loc up my hair. I was never a product junkie so that was never an issue for me. But for so many others, they continue to believe the hype. They want their hair to curl up and bounce so bad like these biracial women who are promoting these products in the advertisements instead of accepting and loving their own hair and seeing the beauty in their natural hair. Wearing wigs and weaves may be easier because of the line of work you’re in, but what about when you’re not working? What about when you’re home, or out and about? It’s so easy to rely on wigs and weaves as an accessory that you can’t live without, or as something to hide behind because you are too scared to show the world your beautiful, natural hair as it grows out of your scalp. This is why the natural hair community needs a reckoning.

We have done a serious disservice to black women. There’s no education. There needs to be self love education where we get to the root of why so many of us don’t love our hair or ourselves. Then we need to take actionable steps to change that. There needs to be an education on the history of black hair and the different ways our ancestors wore their hair and took care of their hair and the meaning behind various styles and why we should be proud of our kinky coils. There needs to be product education that teaches people how to read product labels and know which ingredients are bad for our hair and which are good and to know that just because a bottle or box says “Natural” or “For Natural Hair” doesn’t mean it is. Just because the model on the box has big beautiful ringlets doesn’t mean you will get the same. And finally, there needs to be hair education on the different types of natural hair and how to identify your hair qualities and what natural ingredients will work for your hair.

Black women, we must be willing to put in the work when we decide to go natural. You cannot just jump in with unrealistic expectations and think you’re going to get the same results as the person you follow on Youtube with long 3c curly hair. STOP HIDING YOUR NATURAL BEAUTY black women! You have so much to offer and to show your daughters, nieces, nephews, sisters, aunts, mothers, grandmothers, and friends. Trust me, they are all watching you and will be inspired by you. Find that boldness and confidence within yourself to rock your natural hair proudly! Don’t let the opinions of others stop you, get you down or cause you to shrink into yourself. Your natural is beautiful, and you need to keep telling yourself this until you believe it. And be encouraging to each other, lift each other up, compliment one another and be a source of information, a safe place to to ask questions and vent or just celebrate our hair.

Finally, to the black owned natural hair companies who build enough wealth to sell to the likes of Proctor & Gamble who ultimately change your formula to cater to white women: be honest about your reasons for selling. Don’t pee on us and say it’s raining. You were offered millions for your blood, sweat and tears and you took it. It’s business, yes. But it’s also very personal to millions of black women who supported you when you were just a vendor on the street or a small mom and pop store. You catered to OUR HAIR and we loved you for it. But you can’t get mad at us for being mad at you for taking away another black centered brand from black women. Shea Moisture, Carol’s Daughters and others have all sold to P&G and P&G changed the formulas (watered them down) and they no longer work for most black hair. Mielle is the latest to sell to P&G and we know the fate of their products will be the same. You say you’re taking the money to grow more businesses in black neighborhoods and put money back into the black community. That’s your intention and that’s great, but don’t get mad at us when we give you the side eye because we’ve yet to see it happen.

Black women, I know we all have different textured hair which means we all have different needs. One size does not fit all, but at some point we have to stop being so reliant on so many products for our hair. Narrow down your products to just a few if possible, and learn how to care for your hair using natural ingredients that you can buy and make for yourself or look for small black owned businesses in your community that you can buy ingredients or products from. Our ancestors used locally sourced ingredients for centuries and created their own hair products, and many in different countries still do. Less is more. There are so many things we are using on our hair that our hair don’t even need! But because we believe the marketing hype that we need to buy or have an entire line of products in order for our hair to grow, have body, shine, or be moisturized, we continue to waste money buying things that are actually ruining our hair and irritating our scalps.

The reckoning starts with us, in our own community. The natural hair movement has been stagnant for years. There has been no movement and that’s not good. Our lack of mobility has led to the regression of women with natural hair getting relaxers again or women with locs combing out or cutting off their locs and getting relaxers. I don’t know what purpose this serves or how any of this even makes sense, but it’s happening. We need to get the natural hair movement out of the social media phase and into real life, and that starts with honest conversations with ourselves and education. Social media has proven that many will do anything for clicks and likes or to go viral. This is not a good thing for the natural hair community. And while I’m all for people doing whatever they want with their hair, putting a negative light on natural hair as if it’s bad is not the messaging the natural hair community needs. If you’ve noticed on social media, there are tons of advertisements for class action lawsuits against hair relaxers that have proven to cause cancer and other major health issues for black women. I hope that will help convince more black women to leave relaxers alone and grow out their natural hair.

It’s past time that the natural hair community take a long look at itself. We have a lot of work to do and a lot of educating needs to take place.

2023 – Let’s Go!

2022 ended with my oldest daughter finally deciding to get locs. She booked her appointment and got her comb coil locs installed on December 27th. (see below photo) Her comb coils are sooo pretty and I’m over the moon happy for her joining the loc family. My daughter Talya and I have been encouraging her and helping her to embrace her new journey.

Taylor’s Comb Coils

October, 2022 also meant Talya’s one year anniversary of having locs. Her locs are growing, they are so thick and luscious and they are beautiful. She loves them and she loves the hair freedom she has. They look so good on her! As for me, 2022 was a year of growth. I had to combine a few locs but now I think that part is over. I believe I’ve dealt with all the weak locs that needed to be combined. My hair is down my back and I love it. I can’t believe I’ve gone from waiting for my locs to grow to setting new hair goals for myself. My hair is now to my bra strap. Now I want it to grow past my bra strap. These are the little goals I set myself.

I still need to do better with loc care, especially during the winter months. I need to moisturize more and oil my scalp more. I finally bought a new bigger bonnet that can handle my longer hair. I do need to buy new silk or satin pillowcases. Lately I’ve been experiencing mega itching and I’m pretty positive it’s due to the products I’ve been using. I decided to try a foam for my braid outs so my braid outs would last longer. The foam I used ended up being being very drying to my locs which made them feel very hard, and I believe contributed to the itching of my scalp. I’ve also been using a new hair oil by a new brand (new to me at least) and I have a feeling my scalp doesn’t like it.

I think there is something to be said when it comes to using organic oils to oil mixtures. I don’t think the oil mixtures that I’ve been purchasing agree with my scalp. So now I have to start from scratch and go back to basics of what always worked for me. I know the itching is causing breakage because I’m constantly scratching in those areas. I have a plan and I will not be using those products anymore.

I’m excited to see what 2023 brings for me and my girls. We’re all on a loc journey and in different stages. I hope we all get what we want out of this and more.

Four Years Loc’d

You guys know I’m a firm believer in documenting journeys. I’ve documented my natural hair journey from my big chop through locking my hair. I have so many pictures that I wanted to include in this post but they wouldn’t all download in WordPress. (Booo, hisssss!) Most of the pictures here are from year three til present. What I love about these photos is no matter how my locs looked, I still felt pretty. I love my locs!

There are a lot of people who don’t like their new growth to show. Some even go into a full blown panic when they have too much new growth. I love the fullness that new growth gives. Granted, my new growth can get unruly quite fast, I still love it. Locs in their true form aren’t meant to look neat. But sisterlocks are an alternative for those who like a neat look or who want the appearance of loose natural hair.

My loc journey has taken many twists and turns over these four years. I was infatuated with sisterlocks, so that’s what I got. About six months into my journey I realized I made a mistake in my loc choice. At the same time, I was having issues with my then loctician. After having locs for a year, I parted ways with her only to be disappointed by a few others.

Then the pandemic hit in 2020 and everything shut down. I had to make the decision of whether to self-maintain my locs or combine them. I had been thinking about combining them anyway so that’s what I did with the help of my sister-in-law. It was the best decision I could have made. I was much happier with my combined locs. I would go on to combine my locs several more times over the next two years. I did this for two main reasons: 1. I wanted my locs to be bigger. 2. I experienced thinning locs because I had gone too long in between reties and in order to save them I had to combine them. While looking for a new loctician, I had also decided that I would try twisting/palm rolling instead of interlocking. When I found my new person, that’s exactly what she did for me and she’s excellent at it and I couldn’t be happier. I feel my locs are thriving now.

There are many people that I know personally who started their loc journey around the same time as me and have cut off or combed out their locs and started their loc journeys over because they didn’t like the way they looked. Some didn’t like their parting, some didn’t like their size and they’d rather start over than be unhappy with how their hair looked. I get it. You have to do what makes you happy and what makes you feel confident. For me, I felt like I had invested so much money and time into my journey that starting over had to be my absolute last resort. They only way I’d start over is if my locs started to break off or fall out. I embraced the changes my locs went through, from combining and not having a true parting system. It never bothered me that my locs are different shapes and sizes. They are all unique. Otherwise I’m sticking with my locs and the journey continues!

I’m not ready to give up my hair freedom. I’m not willing to start over. I haven’t tired of my locs despite the challenges I’ve faced in my journey. Through all the changes, my hair continues to grow and thrive. I’m kind to my hair, I don’t do tight hair styles, I’m not constantly coloring my hair. Matter of fact, I rarely style my hair at all. I wear my satin bonnet to bed every night and I oil my scalp and locs as needed. I do need to do better with moisturizing my locs, but for the most part my locs are pretty healthy.

Locs have boosted my confidence. I feel prettier than ever, I feel sexy. I never thought I’d have hair this long in my life. I honestly don’t feel it would have grown this long as a loose natural. I want my hair to continue to grow and thrive, and it makes me happy that others look at my hair and want to loc their hair as well. It makes me happy hearing that others decided to loc their hair because of watching me on my loc journey. But what makes me the happiest is that my youngest daughter started her loc journey one year ago and my oldest daughter is about to embark on her loc journey soon. I’ve never been more proud!

My loc journey didn’t stop once my locs matured. My loc journey didn’t stop once my hair grew past my shoulders. Your loc journey continues as long as you have locs. Your hair will go through changes as your body changes. Age, menopause, hormones, LIFE. Here’s what four years of being locked have taught me:

1. When you leave your hair alone your hair will grow. Loc your hair.
2. If you have issues with patience, locs will force you have patience. There are no satisfying shortcuts. Loc your hair.
3. I thought my confidence got a boost big chopping and going natural. Having to watch my hair go through all the locking stages really taught me confidence and self love. Loc your hair.
4. I never knew what Hair Freedom was until I locked my hair. Being able to get up and go without worrying about my hair is everything. My hair can go from casual to elegant with a ponytail, bun, or braids without the use of chemical relaxers, flat irons, or a ton of products. I can flip my locs to one side and have an instant style for the day. This is true Hair Freedom. Loc your hair.

CHEERS to four years of being locked! CHEERS to Hair Freedom!!!

New Journeys

Sunday, October 16, 2022 marked my youngest daughter’s one year loc-versary. To celebrate I baked her some brownies with chocolate frosting from scratch. The previous day my oldest daughter came to me and said that she wants to start her loc journey. I had to stop myself from getting too excited because my daughter is very fickle and she loves playing in her hair. She was frustrated when she announced this to me because she wasn’t getting a response from her hair braider and she’s getting tired of figuring out what to do with her hair. I get it. I was in the exact same spot five years ago before I locked my hair. To see how serious she was, I asked her questions like:

• Are you sure you’re ready for this commitment?
• How do you know you won’t get tired of the locs or the process and decide to do something else?
• Do you know what kind of locs you want?
• What size?
• How do you want to start them?
• What research have you done?

She had answers for all of my questions except for two of them. She showed me pictures from her loc board on Pinterest of the size of locs she wants (she wants traditional locs on the medium/large side), so she’s been giving this some thought. I told her that the next step would be to schedule a consultation with my loctician so she can see her hair and together they can figure out the best way to start her locs – comb coil, two strand twists, insta-locs, or interlocking. I told her how much it would cost so she can save her money and schedule a day for her installation.

I’m trying my best not to get too excited, y’all. Of course I’m over the moon happy that my oldest daughter wants to join the loc family, but I also know my child, lol! She can speak out of frustration one day and want to loc up her hair and then decide that she misses her loose natural hair the next day and comb out her locs. I’ll believe that she’s serious once she makes the appointment for her consultation and then make an appointment for her installation.

She’s watched me go through my sisterlock journey and now microloc journey, and she’s watched her younger sister go through her traditional loc journey. She knows what to expect and she’s seen us go through the loc stages with our different journeys. To me that’s a huge advantage to have. Whatever she decides I’ll support her either way. But I hope she joins the loc family so she can experience true hair freedom!

Locs Aren’t Meant To Be Perfect

It took me almost four years of having locs for me to realize that locs aren’t meant to be perfect. However, in the sisterlocks world, that’s the aesthetic they sell and that’s what you become obsessed with. When I realized that sisterlocks weren’t for me, my view on locs changed drastically.

Sisterlocks were designed to look like loose natural hair. Hair that could be curled, styled and worn like loose hair and still “look professional.” Professional to whom? We have to get away from this notion that our natural hair isn’t professional for the corporate world. Who says that thicker traditional locs aren’t professional? One woman made her idea and opinion on locs a rule and standard that black professional women should live by and it took off like wild fire. Some women use having sisterlocks as a status symbol because they cost so much to have installed.

Why are we as black women using our hair to look down at other black women? Are we really basing our worth on how much money we spent to get teeny tiny locs? I never understood this. I get the concept of sisterlocks. It’s a hairstyle that gives you a lot of options and versatility. It works for the corporate career woman who wants to give the appearance of looking professional by having these tiny, neat locs. But sisterlocks aren’t the standard for professional locs in my opinion.

Disclaimer: I’m not here to bash sisterlocks. They are beautiful and they work for a lot of women who have them. They just didn’t work for me.

If you follow my blog you know my story. I got sisterlocks in 2018. About six months into my journey I realized that I don’t like these tiny locs. I should’ve gotten traditional locs. In 2019 covid hit and the world shut down. I had already been thinking about combining my locs but covid made me go ahead with my decision. After combining my locs I continued to have them interlocked for about a year until I decided to have them twisted/palm rolled in late 2021.

With that said, my locs are not uniform in size. There is no grid or parting system that I adhere to. I have combined my locs many times because of size preference and to address some thinning locs. My roots are bushy with new growth after I wash my hair or when I need a retie. I love the fullness and thickness of my now bigger locs and my roots. None of these facts mean I have inferior, ugly or unprofessional locs. I’ve watched interviews of Jamaicans and other islanders who have locs and they all say that locs aren’t supposed to be neat or perfect – that’s an American concept. They also don’t understand the obsession of seeing your scalp or grid. Thick roots are beautiful to them. It’s a sign of healthy hair. They feel locs are supposed to be unique and have character and thick or bushy roots are nothing to be ashamed of.

Once you start to embrace your natural self, your natural hair included, you’ll start loving what you see in the mirror. You will come to realize that what you see in the reflection is enough. Your natural self is professional, beautiful and worthy. If your locs aren’t perfect and uniform that’s okay! There are so many ways we can style our hair, and if you don’t want to style your hair that’s okay too. My locs have gone through many changes within the past four years and I’m proud of how they look. I’m proud of how they’ve grown and matured. And I’m extremely happy that they aren’t perfect because I’m not a person that’s obsessed with perfection.

Not everyone feels the way I do about locs, and that’s okay. I think black women put so much undue pressure on themselves when it comes to our hair without even realizing it. This is not a competition about who spent the most money on their hair, especially when you can achieve the same look (doing it yourself or paying someone else for much cheaper) using braids or twists and no one would be the wiser! No one should be sitting in judgement over which style of locs is better. No matter how you start your locs, how much money was spent (if any), or if you have a grid or not, your locs are beautiful. Locs aren’t meant to be perfect.

Enjoy Your Loc/Natural Hair Journey

I was extremely excited and eager to learn everything when I went natural, and the same applied when I decided to loc my hair. Unfortunately, my excitement got dampened when I really immersed myself into the natural hair and loc worlds. There were a lot of so-called experts in the internet and social media arenas. There were so many rules that people tried to apply to every head of hair and every individual person when they didn’t. There are some key rules that we all should take to heart, but when it comes to the care of your hair and what you use to care for your hair – that is your decision alone.

What can be very daunting for anyone embarking on a new journey, be it hair, diet, lifestyle, or job is the amount of people who feel the need to push their rules and ways of doing things on you. It’s one thing to offer advice. If you have proven evidence to back up your advice, cool. But it’s a whole other thing when you present your personal advice as the rule. The constant rules from FB groups and blogs and YouTube channels are what caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. I was constantly questioning myself because someone out there was saying what I was doing was wrong, that you must do things their way and follow these rules otherwise your hair will fall out. And that’s no exaggeration! How are you supposed to enjoy your journey when you’re constantly bombarded by hair rules?

I think it’s natural when trying something new to want to follow the instructions to the letter. It’s in most of us to want to do things the right way especially when we are out of our element. I’m definitely that person. So when I embarked on my natural hair journey and my loc journey, I researched and I listened and I tried things out. The things that worked for me I kept doing, and what didn’t work for me I ignored. Sometimes the things that worked for me stopped working and I had to do something else. You have to be willing to make those adjustments throughout your journey.

My loc journey was definitely a journey. I was all in and ready to go through whatever I had to go through to reach my ultimate goal: the adult phase. The adult phase is also known as the mature phase and is the last phase of your loc journey. Once you reach this stage, all your locs will do is grow. There were a lot of bumps and bruises along the way that caused me stress and anxiety before I finally reached this phase. Not so much with my hair, but the locticians I entrusted to establish my locs and care for them afterward. I ran into a lot of shady people who were simply in it for the money. I was angry and distrustful for the first 3 1/2 years of my loc journey. Despite that, I never once regretted my decision to loc my hair. I just crossed paths with and trusted the wrong people. Now I’m happy and I’ve finally learned to relax and enjoy my hair.

My advice is to not do things that are detrimental to your hair. Don’t over process with coloring it too often. Don’t do a lot of tight hairstyles or any styles that cause a lot of stress on your edges or roots. This includes getting your locs retwisted or interlocked too often because you’re obsessed with your locs looking “neat” at all times. Don’t let a loctician convince you that you should get your locs retwisted or interlocked too soon/often, especially if there isn’t enough new growth to warrant a retwist or interlocking. Enjoy your natural hair or loc journey. Remember what made you go natural or loc your hair in the first place. That alone should make you smile with happiness.

Let’s Get Honest About Our Relationship With Our Hair, Black Women!

If you’ve been following me and my blog, you know how passionate I am about black women’s natural hair. I always speak about its beauty and how regal and versatile it is. Trying to convince other black women to rock their natural hair is a whole other issue – and it’s a deep one. It’s easy for someone like me to stand on my soapbox and rant off about all the reasons why black women should go natural and about all the horrible things that are in chemical relaxers, jheri curls, and dyes. But unless you make up in your own mind that you’re going to stop doing something and take a different path, you’re not going to make any changes. In order to make a change and walk a different path, it is imperative that you are honest with yourself about your relationship with your hair.

Many of us have hair traumas that go back to early childhood. Some of us have been victims (I say victims because a lot of the things that were done to our hair at early ages were not necessarily good for our hair, especially if the person doing it doesn’t know what they are doing or isn’t good at it!) of mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, or grandmothers who decided they were going to put a kiddie relaxer in our hair so our hair can be “easier to deal with.” Some of us had to deal with getting our hair straightened weekly with a hot comb, enduring ear, forehead and neck burns. And when heat, humidity or any amount of water hit our hair and it draws back up into our natural tight coils, then we had to deal with comments from family members, friends or kids at school who’d say things like “Your hair is so nappy! When are you going to get your hair done? You look like a pick-a-ninny!” The degrading terms go on and on – and sadly, it’s from our own black people.

For generations the slave master mentality about our natural hair was passed down to the next. The false thinking that our natural hair is ugly and unruly because it grows up and out instead of hang straight like the Europeans. Or that our natural kinky hair makes us look ugly if it’s not straight or it’s unkempt and not to be shown in public. So what did black women do? To fit in, we moved heaven and earth to keep our hair straight with harsh chemicals and heat on a daily or weekly basis. We hide our natural hair with wigs and weaves and would rather crawl under the earth than be seen without them. But the chemicals, heat, wigs and weaves cause damage as well. It’s called hair loss. Alopecia. Bald or thinning edges or bald spots throughout our head. Many black women choose to sacrifice their edges to keep wearing their wigs and weaves to the point that they are left with little to no hair over their entire head. Is it just me or is this the definition of insanity?

Please don’t read this and think I’m judging from my high horse of super judgement because I’m not. For many years I was that creamy crack addict. I began getting relaxers regularly at the age of 15. I was 40 years old when I finally found my courage and took the leap of big chopping my hair and going natural. I spent 25 years of my life getting chemical relaxers. My mother was never a fan of chemicals in the hair. She knew how to straighten hair with the straightening comb and she was good at it. She knew how not to burn your hair, and she knew that too much heat will damage your hair. She was a natural hair guru before it became a thing with her natural hair remedies and how she cared for me and my sisters hair. For that I am very thankful that she did not introduce relaxers or heat to our hair at early ages.

Many have been in this cycle for years, probably since childhood, which is why so many black women have a hard time with the mere thought of going natural. For some, the thought of exposing the damage they’ve caused to their scalp and hair and taking the necessary steps to try to repair it is too much for them. For others, letting go of the idea that black hair is only pretty if it’s straightened is hard for them to accept. They can’t see the beauty of their natural hair because they don’t look at their natural beauty long enough to see it for themselves. Nor do they have family or friends to encourage them to embrace their natural hair. When everyone around you get relaxers or wear wigs and weaves, it can be hard to stand out and be different. It takes courage and a strong mind and will to do so.

White or European beauty standards, especially when it comes to hair, has a literal chokehold on black women and it’s sad. Many are still enslaved when it comes to how they view themselves and it needs to stop. I wish there were workshops in every city in every state that helped black women to see their beauty in all facets of life: At work, at school, dating, married, at home by themselves or anywhere in public. There were laws put in place during slavery times prohibiting black women from showing their hair and forcing them to cover it up. Being the natural creative people we are, black women wore elaborate, beautiful headwraps instead. But today, hundreds of years later, we don’t have to cover our hair anymore, yet we do. With wigs and weaves because we’ve been shamed and brainwashed into believing that our natural hair is ugly. What a horrible lie to be told! But why do we still believe it?

We’ve been conditioned to.

As individuals, we must take a hard look at ourselves and unpack our hair trauma. Where did it begin? How did it affect you? Why is it still affecting you? What will it take for you to see and show your beauty and not care about the beauty standards of misinformed family members, friends, or white people that don’t apply to you? Once we are honest and real with ourselves, then we can take the necessary steps to move forward. I run into so many women, some are my own family members, who think there are shortcuts to natural hair or who think they can continue to practice harmful habits with their hair and not suffer consequences in the end. It doesn’t work that way.

Being natural means different things to different people. I know all too well that not everyone is going to do things the same way when it comes to their natural hair. I’m just an advocate for healthy natural hair practices and education. I’m simply happy if you go natural and leave the creamy crack alone! Building a healthy relationship with our natural kinky, coily hair takes time, work, and honesty. Once we unpack our hair traumas and get to the bottom of what has us afraid to rock our natural hair and let go of unhealthy hair practices, only then can we move forward.

I’m Finally At Peace With My Hair

For the first time in my life I’m actually at peace with my hair. I never thought I’d ever say that, let alone feel it. I’m not saying that my hair will never bother me. I’m still going to have those days here and there. But what I mean is, I finally love my hair and how it looks every single day. I love having locs and I love this journey.

I’ve been natural for nine years. I big chopped in 2013 and loc’d my hair in 2018. I love my natural hair. I wish I had gone natural years sooner. But figuring out what to do with my natural hair on a daily basis became a serious headache for me. Why? Well for one, I’m not someone who is good at experimenting with styles. I’m not blessed with the ability to execute styles that I come up with in my mind or see online. I would need someone else to do them for me. It’s one of the main reasons I relied heavily on protective styling, which turned out to be costly financially and physically. I eventually banned protective styling for myself because of the damage it caused to my scalp and hair. I began to rock my afro everyday instead. I was tired and fed up and felt that something had to give. That’s when I seriously began to consider locs.

Getting locs was one of the best hair decisions I’ve ever made besides going natural. I thought my natural hair taught me some things, but locs was the real teacher of patience. Having locs is a process, and there’s no skipping the process (unless you get loc extensions). Allowing yourself to go through all of the loc steps will make you appreciate having locs all the more. My locs took a good two years before they all fully locked, and the locking process varies from one head of hair to the next. To watch my hair transform over weeks, months and years is nothing short of amazing. There was a time when I felt my hair would never grow. There was a time when I thought my locs would never thicken up. This is where documenting your journey through photos come into play. Taking pictures of my hair every month really told my hair story. When I thought my hair wasn’t growing, the pictures showed my growth. When I thought my locs weren’t thickening, the pictures showed that they were. When I thought my locs weren’t locking, the pictures showed they were locking.

Now I’ll admit – in the beginning I did obsess over my loose hairs that didn’t grow inside my locs. I did obsess about thinning locs. But as time went on and life threw its curve balls at me (the pandemic and many deaths in my family) those things began to matter less and less. I stopped talking about them as much, I stopped blogging or vlogging about them. Here I am in year four of having locs and I finally feel a sense of peace and calm about my hair. I finally feel the fullness of the freedom I have with my hair to be able to get up and go and do absolutely nothing to my locs other than moisturize them and oil my scalp when needed. I can’t exactly pinpoint when I stopped obsessing over my hair, but it was definitely sometime in year three.

Finding a reliable loctician helped me to stop obsessing. Not having a reliable and good loctician was one of my main stressors. I’m not the type who likes to do my own hair. I would much rather be pampered by someone else. Yes, we should all know how to care for our own hair to some extent. But I will gladly pay a professional who went to school for caring for other people’s hair to care for my hair. I’ve been seeing my loctician for seven, almost eight months now and outside of one mishap on her part, I’ve had no other problems. Her excellent work on me and my daughter’s hair speaks for itself.

Life also helped me to stop obsessing. There were a lot of sickness and death that happened in the last 2 1/2 – 3 years. I lost a lot of close friends, family members, my mom in particular. 2020 is still a blur to me. Death will always put life into perspective for me. I realized who and what are important, who and what is worthy of my attention and worry and who and what isn’t. I make sure I make the best use of the life and time I have on this earth with the people I love. Hair is just hair. Yes it means a lot to women, yes it is our crown and glory. But at the end of the day, life means more than my hair. If I were to cut my locs off today and have a bald head, I’d make the most of my bald head. Would I miss my locs? Of course. But is it the end of the world? Not at all.

It feels good to be in this place in my life with my hair. My relationship with my hair will always be a little complicated, and that’s okay. But my hair no longer rules me, it no longer consumes my thoughts. My plan is to keep my locs for as long as possible. However long that will be, we’ll see. Life will go on because I am at peace with my hair.

The Embarrassment at the Oscars

I have so many thoughts on what transpired, and while you have to be careful of what you say on social media, I felt my blog was the perfect place to get out my feelings. Many have put different spins on what the altercation was about between Will Smith and Chris Rock. Many have used the opportunity to shed light on Jada’s struggle with alopecia in defense of Will’s horrific actions. Others point to the fact that the Smiths are tired of being made fun of in the media. But it seems the vast majority (in the black community) feel like Will was protecting his wife from bullying and disrespect. That’s all well and good but…

None of this was about Jada’s alopecia or protecting her honor.

I’m sure in Will’s warped mind he felt he was coming to his wife’s defense. If that were so, what was with the tears afterward when Denzel, Tyler Perry and Bradley Cooper came o talk to him during the commercial break? Regret? Anger? Realizing that he messed up? I just heard that Will said he doesn’t regret what he did – coming to his wife’s defense. So he’s going to stick with that excuse, huh? Mmm-Kay. Something is very wrong with Will, y’all. He is not emotionally well.

Let’s talk about the joke. Chris Rock’s joke in itself was in reference to Demi Moore’s character in the movie G.I. Jane who rocked a shaved head. G.I. Jane was a strong, resilient woman and soldier. There is nothing negative that could be said about this character. If anything, it speaks to the strength of women and women empowerment. There are so many women who rock shaved heads for various reasons – style preference, health and otherwise. But the point that seems to be (purposely) missed or overlooked is it was a joke. It was not malicious or even delivered in a malicious way. Chris Rock did what he’s done a zillion times to many A-list actors and actresses when he hosted or presented at an awards show – he cracks jokes on them. It’s expected, it comes with the territory. Are hurtful, disrespectful jokes acceptable? No. Never. But when they’ve happened, they were dealt with behind the scenes between the parties involved.

*Ding Ding Ding*

Most of the world knew nothing about Jada’s alopecia struggles because she kept it to herself (which is her right) up until recently when she spoke about it on her Red Table Talk show. If you don’t follow her or the Smith’s you wouldn’t know this. So how was Chris Rock supposed to know? People think because they are celebrities they know everything about each other’s business. I’m sure that’s true to a certain extent. But there are some celebrities who keep to themselves and worry about themselves and not other people’s personal affairs. This is why I say the embarrassment that is Will Smith and his violent actions toward Chris Rock had nothing to do with alopecia or protecting Jada’s honor. It was an opportunity used by Will to unleash his frustrations about his own personal demons (his life in the public eye and at home), on someone that was basically an easy target. Yes, Chris made jokes about Jada in 2016. But Chris made jokes about a lot of people before and after 2016 that were much more scathing, so what made the Oscars the breaking point for Will?

Many point to Jada’s obvious facial disapproval of the joke. She didn’t like it. What we didn’t see was what transpired between her and Will when the cameras left her reaction and went back to Chris Rock. We don’t know if her and Will had a conversation, if Will simply saw his wife’s disgusted look and acted on his own or if Jada tried to stop him (she probably didn’t know what he was about to do). We’re left to guess and assume, and as a result, many are putting the blame on Jada because they feel she knew her reaction would trigger something in Will. When you’ve been married for a long time, you know your spouse’s looks, mannerisms, and body language very well. Jada may not have spoken her disapproval, but her face and body language showed it and Will reacted. Stupidly and emotionally.

Let’s talk about the deep thinkers. The self-proclaimed psychiatrists that you often find on social media who are experts on black trauma. They are saying that Will Smith’s actions were taught and learned through slavery at the hands of white people. Black people/black men have been conditioned to suppress their feelings, to take on and accept heinous abuse and treatment from our oppressors which only taught us violence. So basically, Will Smith’s behavior is white people’s fault.

Does slavery still have an effect on black people today? Yes! Should we be using slavery as an excuse for our current bad behavior? Absolutely not! At some point, we as a people must stop using past abuses and atrocities as an excuse for current bad behavior. We all have free will, we all have been taught right from wrong. When we do wrong, it is a personal choice that we make in the here and now. Will Smith knew what he was doing. He thought about it, made his choice and then acted on it. Are we going to teach our kids that bad behavior is acceptable because of how our ancestors were treated? How does that even make sense?

What should be discussed is how we need to do a better job of teaching our kids how to manage their emotions. We need to encourage our black men and women to seek mental help so they too can learn better ways to manage their emotions. And we need to make mental help available to all even if you don’t have money or insurance to pay for it. I know there are programs out there already, but the average person doesn’t know that these programs even exist in their local communities. This needs to change.

Will needs to come to terms with his emotional baggage and continue to address it and deal with it. He spoke about it at length in his book (not being able to protect his mother from his father’s abuse when he was a child, feeling insecure about Jada’s relationship with 2 Pac, Jada’s cheating, etc.), and while that is admirable, he clearly has a long way to go. To behave in the way he did, so unhinged and uncontrolled, speaks to deeper issues. His actions should not be celebrated. This was not an admirable act of a man protecting his wife from perceived disrespectful words that came from a comedian. His actions were despicable and a cry for help. His actions cast a dark cloud for everyone that night. Instead of speaking about all the winners and celebrating them, the past 48 hours have been focused on one black man pimp slapping another black man in front of millions of people.

As a black woman I’m saddened, disgusted and disappointed for all of us. It was a night for brown and black excellence to shine, for the deaf community and other marginalized communities to be recognized and celebrated. It was a night of firsts, and the actions of one person, a polarizing person in his own right, ruined it all. To cap off the embarrassment, he ends the night partying with his family and dancing the night away in celebration. That was not a good look. I also don’t like the fact that certain family members approved of Will’s behavior and expressed it on social media. They put out the message of family unity, and honestly I don’t know if it was before or after the slap. I expected his entire family to be there to support him of course. I expected them to celebrate his win. But they also gave off the vibe that they supported his slapping Chris Rock and that didn’t sit right with me. I can only imagine what their next Red Table Talk episodes will be about: Standing up to bullying, protecting black women, and using violence to do so. None of those are bad topics or conversations to have, but when speaking about your loved one, are the Smith’s going to call out the bad behavior of Will or defend it? This will be interesting to see/hear.

Now the looming questions are will the Oscars punish Will, and if so how severe will it be? But more importantly, how is Chris Rock doing? I’ve been thinking about his girls in particular and how they feel seeing their dad humiliated in front of millions of people and the endless memes being made as a result. I think about his siblings, everyone in his family who are no doubt pissed at Will Smith for how he disrespected their loved one on national tv. Tony Rock recently tweeted that he’s angry and wants to retaliate. I get it. That’s a natural reaction when someone you love is hurt.

There was a lot to unpack here, and I tried to touch on the main points. These are just my personal thoughts that I wanted to get out. I hope Will gets the help he needs, that the punishment handed down by the Oscars fit the crime, and that Chris Rock is ok. From what I’m hearing, Chris’ ticket sales to his comedy tour are through the roof! Cha-Ching! Chris Rock’s silence can only mean one thing: He’s saving it all for the stage and it’s going to be RAW. This is not the end of this story, y’all. Chris’ weapon is his microphone and his voice. He will get the last laugh.